The future seems so bright in so many ways, but the present is making me want to sleep for a very long time. I’m exhausted from doing nothing, and while that excitement for the future is there, I’m concerned about money and living up to my own expectations. Why couldn’t I have been granted a million dollars at birth and just been told to do what I want?
Obviously that’s not how I truly feel. I’m incredibly lucky in all sorts of ways, and have more than I could realistically ask for. The difficulty is that when you’re faced with student loan debt, living expenses, and a job market where I already have more qualified peers as friends, it’s difficult to remain overtly positive. I believe the repetition of my past days for practically a year is the primary struggle; sitting and distracting yourself can only remain entertaining for so long. Video games aren’t the issue either, although they aren’t helping by any means. I feel that if I’m not working to make money constantly, or working to build my portfolio or self, I in turn am simply wasting time.
I want to share game related updates, or some progress that I’ve made in some regard, but nothing is there to report. I think that the difficulty I mentally am facing isn’t because I won’t be successful, but rather that I won’t be prosperous. I want to go above and beyond, provide my children a life where they don’t have to struggle, and create something that’s the manifestation of my future career. Is that beyond me? Am I missing a step? I feel as if inspiration has been fading just as time has throughout these past couple of years, and while I know it’s natural it still doesn’t prevent me from wishing I had more time to sit and think.
I went on a walk the other day. Unsurprisingly, the sun and some fresh air does a number to your body. Getting to step away from the same couple of chairs I’ve sat in for well over a year now easily demonstrates the best part of my day, and when looking back retrospectively it’s plain to see that I should’ve put more effort into getting out of the house beyond these walks. That aside, this most recent walk felt different, as I had finally returned to music that I enjoy rather than the taste of others or consuming some sort of media. It was a lovely evening, and for awhile I just sat and took in the sunset. Music fuels creativity. Not being spoon-fed how to feel fuels creativity. I need to get back into reading, and more than anything I need to stop worrying.
In about 3 weeks I move to Chicago, and even though it’s nerve-wracking I am tending to feel that it’s the least of my worries. I need to focus on personal development and moving past these mental roadblocks.
This section of my site will likely turn into somewhat of a blog in the sense that photos and perhaps some videos will be shown. I hope to provide some insights into my life as, let’s be honest, this is a lot of text. Soon I might toss together a collection of some of my favorite photos throughout life.