Quarter’s over, back to feeling red rather than white. A change that’s fairly insignificant but the feelings I have experienced are reflective of a shift in how I am. We’re in the latter quarter of the year, and what’s coming to my mind is realizing that my first year of college is almost complete. The feeling of isolation has been ever present and in many ways I feel as if the experiences I face are exclusive to me and me only. In many ways I know that I am not on my own, but oftentimes it feels as such. The things I wish to pursue are often too far out of reach and life has felt cyclic. I’m generally happy but feel like I’m running out of time.
Everyone my age feels like they’re in a rush, and this is something I’ve fallen victim to time and time again. The more I reflect on the world around me the more I become unhappy and dissatisfied with how things are. It makes me inquire if I will ever want to pursue a relationship of any nature, being that every one I have observed has been fraudulent or not true. It’s difficult to explain but I look back at past relationships between myself and friends and question what it is that has prevented me from having a friend I’d trust with anything. I have very close people but no one I can just talk to about nothing, something that’s nice and underrated. Maybe my friendships just have not developed to that point yet, but that’s something that’s just been on top of mind.
I’m still worried about money but I’d like to work on more things here soon. Ideally in the coming year I’ll be able to release something that gives me a taste of revenue stream so I can understand what kind of work I need to produce. It’s hard to be self-motivated but I think I should withdraw myself from most extraneous tasks in order to double down on something I love. I’d love to read more as most of the best ideas come straight from imagination, something I haven’t built upon truly in years.
Regardless, after a full postmortem for Pet Mage I’ve come to the realization that layout and expectations are important in new teams. I hate asking more of people than what they’d like to give, but when thinking about my own life and how I would like to achieve success I know that I must. In a more lighthearted way to end this little post, I’m happy with my progress in Japanese and is something tangible I hope to keep pursuing. While it’s silly to want to visit and look at jobs there, it would be nice to get a fresh start at some point.